Responding to a Negative Leader
/Have you ever walked away from an interaction with your boss thinking, “What just happened?
Maybe you felt belittled, dismissed, or blindsided. You might have spent the rest of the day replaying the conversation, trying to make sense of it, or just trying to calm down.
When that happens, it’s natural to start assigning motives: “They’re hyper controlling.” “They don’t care about me or anyone else.” “They’re an a**hole.”
But what if there’s another explanation?
Seeing Beyond the Surface
Ask yourself this: was that leader someone who seemed to get a thrill from being in charge, or were they perhaps an overworked, stressed middle manager with too much on their plate and too little time for niceties?
If your answer to either question is yes, or even “maybe”, you probably encountered a leader overtaken by their own negative thoughts and emotions. In the language of Positive Intelligence™ (PQ), their saboteurs were in charge.
The Controller tries to seize power in stressful situations, believing control is the only way to stay safe.
The Hyper-Achiever ties self-worth to success and may sacrifice relationships to stay “productive.”
The Stickler obsesses with correctness and order, leaving little room for human imperfection.
These saboteurs often look like strength under pressure, but when they take over, they disconnect a leader from empathy, creativity, and perspective.
That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does help you see the person beneath it: someone reacting from fear, insecurity, or exhaustion rather than clarity or compassion.
It might help to think of those moments like watching Bruce Banner turn into the Hulk.
Under stress, fear, or pressure to control outcomes, even the most capable leaders can get hijacked by their inner saboteurs. It’s not that they want to “smash”; it’s that they’ve lost access to the calm, rational part of themselves. Seeing it that way can make it easier to stay grounded, and to remember that what you’re witnessing is stress in action, not the whole person.
The Cost of Judgment
Your own Judge Saboteur is quick to label: “They’re toxic.” “They shouldn’t be in charge.” “I deserve better.”
Those judgments might feel protective, even righteous. But they come at a cost: they keep you mentally fused to the very negativity you’re trying to escape.
Judgment locks you into a reactive cycle. It amplifies frustration, drains your energy, and narrows your thinking. The moment you notice yourself judging (whether it’s them or yourself) you can pause and shift into curiosity.
Instead of, “What’s wrong with them?” ask, “What’s going on for them?”
Instead of, “Why can’t I handle this better?” ask, “What can I learn about myself here?”
That small shift moves you from judgment to discernment: from reacting to choosing.
The Shift from Reaction to Choice
When someone in power acts out, your nervous system reacts: anger, resentment, fear, or shame. These are normal signals, but they don’t have to define your response.
A mentally fit leader notices those signals, pauses, and asks: “What’s being triggered in me right now?” “What response aligns with my values?”
By doing this, you take your hand off the “automatic pilot” of emotional reactivity. You reclaim the space to act intentionally rather than reflexively.
Practicing Empathy Without Losing Yourself
Empathy doesn’t mean agreement or approval. It means recognizing that others’ behavior is shaped by their state of mind, not by your worth or capability.
When you see another person’s saboteurs at work, especially those of a stressed leader, you can understand their behavior without absorbing it. You can set healthy boundaries while keeping your own center of gravity.
You can choose curiosity over judgment, and grounded confidence over defensiveness.
Focusing on What’s in Your Control
When faced with negative or toxic leadership, the impulse to fix them is strong. But that’s not your job, and it rarely works. The more powerful move is to focus on what is within your control:
How you interpret and respond to their behavior
How you manage your internal dialogue and energy
How you uphold your integrity and self-respect
That’s where your true influence lives.
If you’ve ever struggled with a difficult leader, it may not be all about them, it may be an opportunity to strengthen your own mental fitness.
In a free Saboteur Discovery Session, you’ll uncover the mental patterns that keep you stuck and take the first step toward leading with clarity and ease.
“I don’t always ask my employees how they are. But when I do, I walk away before they answer.” – The Boss